Toxic empathy is a fact; here is to learn how to strike a balance between compassion and self-preservation.
Toxic empathy is a fact; here is to learn how to strike a balance between compassion and self-preservation.
Toxic Empathy
Stephane Dadjo: [00:00:00] Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to my podcast. Live Your Best Life Every Day. My name is Stephane Dadjo, and today we are gonna be discussing toxic empathy, how to recognize and address the dark side of compassion Gear Up, Let's dive right into it. Okay. Now, empathy is often regarded as a positive and essential human trait.
Stephane Dadjo: Now that's a fact. Like we all know that. That also forces understanding and connection with others. Now, there's one thing that is lesser known to the public, or should I say to the common person out there. Okay. That is called toxic EM empathy, and that can be [00:01:00] detrimental to both the empathize and the person receiving empathy.
Stephane Dadjo: Why did I choose this particular topic? The reason why I went into this is because I observed so many people around me, okay? Um, people that I've known, people that, um, I am not quite familiar with. However, I've observed them being in this, you know, in this mindset of toxic and party. I was having a conversation with a friend of mine the other day, and I told her, beware, I cannot observe that you are being empathic toward this particular person.
Stephane Dadjo: However careful, I feel like it's becoming toxic. And then she asked me why, and I told her this. Listen, you've mentioned this particular point several times, but now the condition of that person seemed to bother you so much that you just can't seem to find rest with yourself. It's as if you are the one feeling what the [00:02:00] person is feeling now out of trying to help, okay?
Stephane Dadjo: You were not able to get the person to do what is right for their own selves, but now you need to. You, you need to understand that there's a thin line between displaying empathy and empathy becoming toxic. And this is what I want to share with you guys today. I'm pretty sure one of you guys or girls know, has known, or will know somebody who is dealing with toxic empathy.
Stephane Dadjo: Now, let's begin with how it starts or how it manifests. Toxic empathy occurs when individuals become overly enmeshed in the emotions and the suffering of others to the point where it is negative. But their well-being. Does that make any sense? I mean, do you relate here? Do I mean, do you feel somehow, 'cause I know I did the first time I actually got my mind wrapped up around this whole [00:03:00] concept of toxic empathy.
Stephane Dadjo: In this episode, we'll explore how to support toxic empathy, you know, and we'll come up with practical strategies to stop it from taking a toll on our mental and emotional health. Guys have always said this, sometimes you may mean well out of wanting to help, but on your way to doing so, you might end up putting yourself in grave danger.
Stephane Dadjo: I say that to say this. There is a reason why it is advice when someone is. Drowning. Be careful. Be really, really careful because we are trying to help them or save them from drowning. You might end up drowning and this is a fact out of life altogether, so you have to be aware of the extent you go and you know.
Stephane Dadjo: It's good to put yourself in other people's shoes so that you can understand them. Be careful not to walk in them. Those aren't your [00:04:00] shoes. Do you understand me? Now, let's start with sporting toxic and party. I'm gonna break this down into, you know, Into numbers, just so that you can keep track. So grab maybe a piece of pen paper, uh, I mean, grab whatever you can grab.
Stephane Dadjo: Okay. And just take some notes. And that's it. Now let's get, let's get into it. Okay. Emotional exhaustion is the first thing that I'm gonna point out here. Empathizes might feel overwhelmed, you know, by the emotional burden that they. Carry for others. And now if you find yourself constantly being trained emotionally, you know, mentally depleted after interacting with a certain individual, it could be a sign of a toxic party.
Stephane Dadjo: Trust me. I am not gonna hint at anything, but I'm just gonna say this. I've had conversations with people that after I, I mean, once we were done, I felt tired. I felt like I needed to go and take a nap. I felt like I needed to [00:05:00] sit down for a bit. I just felt like I needed to walk away from them and catch a deep breath.
Stephane Dadjo: Those people, whenever they even phone you or text you, you just feel anxious already. I mean, without even reading the message, the notification just showed up. You are already feeling anxious about what they're about to tell you or what's happening, and that is a sign. Now, the second one is codependency.
Stephane Dadjo: Toxic empathy often leads to codependency relationships. You know, where the user enables and reinforces unhealthy behaviors in order due to their inability to set boundaries. You've heard this a thousand times, and I'm gonna say for a thousand, and God knows what time. Set boundaries. Okay? Boundaries are needed.
Stephane Dadjo: You can't allow yourself to, to be, you know, to be emotionally depending [00:06:00] on, on someone. You can't, you can't allow yourself, I mean, even if you are in a relationship, in a situationship, whatever, sh, whatever ship you are in, you cannot allow yourself to end up being codependent is just unhealthy, and that's some period.
Stephane Dadjo: Now, point number three. Neglecting self-care. Listen, that's one way to support toxic empathy. You might ask yourself How? How? Come. Now here's it. Okay, listen. Know empathizers often prioritize others' need of their own neglecting self, self-care, and personal well-being in the process. Have you ever witnessed that?
Stephane Dadjo: 'cause I know I did. I know people who will tell you, oh no, you know what? Uh uh, I have a big heart. I care too much. I can't see other people suffering. Listen, you need to take care of yourself too. [00:07:00] Your well-being comes further because if you are unable to take care of yourself if you lose that element of well-being, of what use will you be to all people?
Stephane Dadjo: I mean, I've heard that, you know, I've heard that right left center. I've had aion people who are very generous and very giving and you know, as much as I believe in helping other people, I also believe in self-care. Because if you don't take care of yourself, you know, life can happen. Life will happen as a matter of fact.
Stephane Dadjo: And if it didn't happen to you, well you don't know the. You don't know the bit of it yet, and you will understand once it happens to you. Self-care is important. People, it is important. Help other people. Be there for other people, but be there for yourself first. Be there for yourself first. Now point number four.
Stephane Dadjo: Okay, I hope you're following. Okay, [00:08:00] point number four, we're gonna talk about emotional fusion. Now, catch this. Toxic empathy can cause blurring, you know, it can cause a blurring of emotional boundaries, making it challenging to distinguish between one's own emotion and another's emotion. Listen. Do not put yourself in other people's shoes to the level where you start walking in those shoes thinking that it's your narrative, thinking that it's your life.
Stephane Dadjo: No it's in your life. Get out of those shoes already. Compassion doesn't mean that you have to literally start experiencing what the other person is experiencing. No. Who's gonna get the other person out of there? Do you know? I mean, who's gonna save the other person? Let's be realistic for a moment, guys. So next point is the rescuer mentality.
Stephane Dadjo: Now these are the people, those who are constantly wanting to face or rescue others, even when they haven't asked for help. [00:09:00] Guys, it doesn't matter how much you. Think somebody could live their life better. At the end of the day, you need to understand, and this has to do with boundaries again. So again, we take, we are going back to that step of codependency.
Stephane Dadjo: You know that mention boundaries, the aspect of boundaries. You need to understand that people need to ask you for help before you step in. The doctor doesn't come to you. He doesn't, I mean, there's no doctor who secretly or magically. Feel or have a revelation that you're sick and they'll come to your house.
Stephane Dadjo: No, you go to the doctor and the same way goes. I mean, even the word says it asks and it shall be given to you. It means that you need to ask for actual help when you need help. So let people come and ask you for help. Do not overstep if possible. Most of the time [00:10:00] allow people to ask you for help before you step in if you can.
Stephane Dadjo: Okay? Because when, when you overstep, You cannot like to break their boundaries as well as yours sort of, because some people react in quite an aggressive way sometimes when they didn't ask you for help. Have you ever heard that it is none of your business? Why are you calling my business? Meaning what?
Stephane Dadjo: You are just trying to help exactly that horse, that whole. An argument situation happens when no one asks you for help and you felt like you were needed. You felt like you were relevant. No, you are not relevant. I. Respect other people's boundaries and let them ask you for help if they need help. Trust me, it'll save you a lot of trouble.
Stephane Dadjo: Now I'm done with this one. Okay. [00:11:00] Point number six, is emotional absorption. Ooh, this one stick. Now, I've always asked people around me, are you a sponge or are you a mirror? Well, I'm not a sponge now. I think everyone who knows me knows that I'm not a sponge, I'm a mirror. I'm gonna mirror whatever it is that you send my way.
Stephane Dadjo: And I'm not saying that. To say that I'm not emotional or I'm a cruel person. No. A mirror at the end of the day still absorbs light, you know, but it absorbs light and the mirror will choose what to send, but, so you have to be picky. With what you absorb because most of the time empathizers may internalize the emotions of other people and that will lead to increasing stress, anxiety, or even depression.
Stephane Dadjo: Do not run with other people's problems as if they are yours. If [00:12:00] you want to help them, if you wanna assist them, do so, but don't run with it as if they're your problems. Do. Carry unnecessary burdens on your shoulders. That's what it comes down to. At the end of the day, you already have your own stuff to deal with.
Stephane Dadjo: Deal with that. Okay, and that's it. You can assist somebody emotionally without absorbing their emotion. Because then again, if the both of you end up being there emotionally messed up, who's gonna help? Who, but you need to wash that. You don't have to be a sponge sometime be a mirror. Okay. You can mirror the person's emotions.
Stephane Dadjo: It means that you know, okay, there is some, there is a bit of compassion going on there. There is some empathy. Oh, you feel sorry for the person, but you don't have to be the person. To get the point. So you need to really, there's a [00:13:00] thin line. There's a thin line there. Be aware of that. Now we just went through a few steps on how to spot toxic empathy.
Stephane Dadjo: Now we're gonna talk about how to stop toxic empathy. I like to play with those two words. You gotta be able to support certain things in order for you to stop them. So now that we've, we are able to support them. How do we stop them? Well, point number one is to practice self-awareness. Recognize the signs of toxic empathy in yourself.
Stephane Dadjo: Pay attention to your emotional reaction and energy level after interacting with other people. It's important. If you come out of an interaction with someone feeling low, feeling as if you need to go and take a nap, and feeling down, feeling negative, feeling stressed or anxious, well that is a sign of toxic [00:14:00] empathy.
Stephane Dadjo: Therefore, you should try to avoid that going forward. Or better yet, you should build a certain level of, you know, Mirroring, if I can call it that way. So the next time you meet the person instead, instead of being like a sponge and absorbing what you do is you just mirror it and that's it. So you have to be aware of that.
Stephane Dadjo: Set boundaries. That's point number two. Establish clear emotional boundaries with other people. Learn to say no when you feel overwhelmed and avoid taking on responsibilities that are not yours to bear, which just do too much. That's it. That's a word. Sometimes we are just too much, like we go on to things, get into things, and we put ourselves under unnecessary stress, pressure or dilemma, turmoil and confusion, and so on.
Stephane Dadjo: You name it. D I mean, distress, distress, depression, the disease, I mean, [00:15:00] whatever. You know, I mean, but you understand what I'm trying to say. You need to limit certain things. Establish boundaries. Now, step number three, or should I say point number three, my bad. Develop empathy, differentiation, meaning what?
Stephane Dadjo: Learn to differentiate between understanding and empathizing with someone's emotions and carrying the weight of those emotions as your own. You can be compassionate without shouldering their pain. Oof. Do I need, do I need to repeat that? Lemme repeat that little bit. You can be compassionate without shouldering their pain.
Stephane Dadjo: Point number four, is limit exposure. If you recognize that certain relationships or situations shift, or whatever shift you are in, are constantly draining your emotional energy, consider limiting your exposure to them. [00:16:00] Now, you know what? This dives right into toxic relationships, friendships, brotherhood, sisterhood, family ships, all the ships, you know, spaceships.
Stephane Dadjo: I mean, you get it. This that right into that. And the reason why this actually for me is one of the important points is that I'm always telling people, don't wait until it's too late. Don't wait. Don't wait until people push you into depression or into having certain insecurities. You know, don't wait until people take what you have of precious, which is your self-love, your self-esteem.
Stephane Dadjo: Don't wait until they break those things the way before you limit your interaction with them or better before you reevaluate the dynamic of that you know, situation or that friendship or that brotherhood or sisterhood. Some people are just not good to be in your life or to [00:17:00] be in your circle or to be around you.
Stephane Dadjo: Some people don't have the capacity for you. Some people don't have the understanding for you. Some people don't have the love for you. Don't force things.
Stephane Dadjo: Point number five, practice mindfulness. Now. Engage in mindfulness techniques to stay present at the moment and prevent emotional fusion with orders. I think that's pretty simple. You got that. You got that. If you need to know more about mindfulness techniques, Comment in the comment session. I mean, DM me, uh, leave me a comment anywhere or everywhere you can, and of course, I'm gonna make the next episode about that, okay?
Stephane Dadjo: I promise you that. Now, point number six, [00:18:00] encourages responsibility. You need to encourage others to take responsibility. Accountability for their emotions and actions instead of constantly trying to fix their problems for them. Listen, I've met so many grownups who are grownups until it's time for them to be read, to be held accountable for their actions.
Stephane Dadjo: I know grownups who are grown up until it's time for them to acknowledge that. Where they are today or the product of their actions and decisions led them to have the quality of life that they have today that they're not really proud of or happy about? Yes, it's easy to be grown up or it's easy to see that you are a grownup until you have to be held accountable.
Stephane Dadjo: For all your choices and decisions and what I'm always trying to tell people, and this is what people usually tell me that I can be quite, [00:19:00] uh, harsh, is that, listen, you make your bed, you lie in it. Quit waiting on people to fix your problems, because the more people fix your problem, the more you feel entitled to them fixing your problems, and the more you feel free to actually create those problems, and that's it, you don't learn, it becomes a loop and it goes on and on and on again.
Stephane Dadjo: I mean, don't nobody have no time for that. Let's be real. We have that thing to sort out.
Stephane Dadjo: Point number seven, get help. Just as simple as that. Getting the help that you need, sharing your feelings, and jokes aside, can provide insight and support. In overcoming many challenges in life, not just toxic and party opening up to people and letting people in. And again, when I talk about opening up to people, I'm not talking about everyone.
Stephane Dadjo: I'm talking about those people that you know are [00:20:00] your people. You know your right or die type of people. It's good to open up to people and share what you feel within.
Stephane Dadjo: Okay, good point. Number eight, focus on self-care. You need to prioritize self-care activities that are that, you know, that bring you back to your former self. And when I say your former self, it's to your growing yourself. It's to your happy self. It's to your doing well self. It's to your healthy self. You know, nurture your own emotional well-being.
Stephane Dadjo: I mean, it may come as something as simple as engaging in hobbies, you know, exercises, workout, gym, I mean, sport, meditation, yoga, I mean, you name it. I'm out of, I'm a, I'm out of examples here, guys. Help me out to help me out. Say something, think of something. I'm pretty sure you just thought of something right [00:21:00] now, so go ahead and do that.
Stephane Dadjo: If it brings you genuine joy, go ahead and do it. Go ahead and just do it. Okay.
Stephane Dadjo: There's one thing that is certain guys, is that empathy is a beautiful thing. I'm not, I'm never going to say. Empathy is a bad thing. No, it is a beautiful thing. You know, it connects people. It connects us to other people. It connects us to other parts of the world. When we listen to the news, you know, or watch the news, you know, it helps us connect to other parts of the world, and it brings us closer to each other on a deep level, if I can put it that way.
Stephane Dadjo: However, when it becomes toxic, it can have an adverse effect on our mental and emotional health. That's where it becomes dangerous. So by recognizing the signs of toxic empathy, and by implementing these practical points that I gave you today, [00:22:00] you can strike a balance between compassion and self-preservation.
Stephane Dadjo: Remember that taking care of yourself is essential to effectively support and empathize with others without sacrificing your wealth. , you need to be there for yourself first before you can be there for other people to be aware and watch that. Again, my name is Stephane Dadjo. I'm the author of the book: Live Your Best Life Every Day.
Stephane Dadjo: My book is available on amazon.com. Feel free to go and grab your own copy. Better yet, feel free to share this episode with whoever you think needs to listen to this. Okay? Have a great day or a great night depending on where you are on this beautiful globe. Okay.[00:23:00]